The role of gay male escorts in my trust issues

If you grew up watching your dad pounce on your mum at every slight provocation, it is difficult not to be sceptical about men. This psychological trauma can affect your relationship with everyone around you. When I grew up, I made a conscious decision that I would not allow my past to define my future and gay male escorts were of great help.

I used to recall when my parents were two lovebirds. They will fondle in each other’s arms not minding that I was watching. Mom was always the shy one. She used to insist that my dad should stop or that they go into the room.

My mom was a devout Christian, and she cared a lot about my upbringing, about what I watched and the people I associated. She said these two could define who you become for you. I was twelve then and agree. The problem between them was sudden. Till today I cannot say what caused the problem or how it started.

All I know is that dad began to punch mum so badly that sometimes he would give her a black eye. It is not as if mum would curl on the floor and allow him to batter her. She always fought back. It was usually a battle – but dad was stronger and always won.

I would have been pleased if they got a divorce. At least both of them would have tried to have a happy life. In this case, they were not happy and refused to let go of each other. More than once I have suggested to each of them about divorce, but they always rebuffed the idea. I stopped trying.

It hurt me each time they are on each other because I didn’t want to take sides. I loved them equally. It would have been easier for me to pick a side if only I knew the background of the problem but they will never spill a word. I stopped trying. The moment I turned 18 I left home. I knew it was the best decision for me, to preserve my aching heart.

For five years I lived as a lonely girl not wanting to socialise with anyone in the new neighbourhood I moved into. But there was this guy that never let me rest. His name was Gabriel. He would come to my door and threaten to pull it down if I refused to open it. He encroached my personal space with reckless abandon.

I resisted, but after a while, I let down my guards on him. Then, the scariest thing in my life happened. My heart began to skip each time he was around. I began to long for him. No doubt, it was love. But I never wanted any of it. Each time the feeling grew, my mind will flash back to the situation of my parents, and I would switch off the emotion almost immediately. I knew I needed help but which type?

I can’t recall with certainty how I started to mingle with gay male escorts. The first time I hired gay male escorts, I wasn’t so scared because I have read a lot of reviews about them. Moreover, in the face of a bigger problem, the smaller problems vanish. Have you noticed that too?

By the time I began to interact with gay male escorts it had dawned on me that I might have been wrong about men. One man does not define the entire men in the world. It’s all about finding the person that completes you.

One of the gay male escorts took me to the park and showed me his children and wife. They looked so happy, and I asked his wife will not get mad at me around him and he said, “Not at all”.

I have never imagined that such a life as possible. “It’s all about understanding and making compromises”, he said.

That interaction was the beginning of my transformation. My attitude now is not about pushing men away from my life. I now try to know each man that comes into my life better so that I will be able to predict how long they can stick with me.